New Phase

So, as this new phase of life goes on I've got a fantastic level of energy I've not had for years.  A year ago I felt I was surrounded by derogatory and defeatist people.and stuck in a frustrating rut, a cage environment I couldn't work my way out of.  I was very demoralised and had to think myself out of the situation. In addition to that, due to being on prophylactic antibiotics for decades my gut bacteria balance has been pretty bad and has eventually developed into Candida overgrowth which has caused me to be terribly itchy all over and I think caused fatigue.  That's at long last being treated effectively and just over a week after starting a low dose long term course of capsules, in addition to me changing my diet to make it much more acidic, my energy levels came back, as in MY energy levels - don't stop till I drop - and I feel so much better it's wonderful.

Now I feel at long last my life is making sense, everything's coming together - I've got fantastic clarity of thought, all my various creative talents have their place and are complimenting one another, my health feels great and I've got smart, kind, forward thinking open minded friends..I've clarified what I want from and how romantic relationships fit in my life; what my expectations are and what expectations I feel content fulfilling.  It's been an interesting process where some people show you what you really want by the experience of being with them being what you don't want.  There was someone who motivated me by me perceiving him to be a reflection of how I wanted to be seen myself which helped me see focus on a way forward out of the de prefix place.

Health has always taken a battering, I feel I've lived my life back to front with the health problems at the beginning rather than the end of my life but although it's been hugely challenging many times I wouldn't change it because of the perspective and philosophy I've gained and developed through having to cope with difficult circumstances most youngsters don't usually have to deal with.  Operated on the day I was born, only discharged at 4 months old, then I eventually went to Great Ormond Street hospital when I was 15 for some pretty heavy going surgery (not got a good waterworks system), and once recovered from that I was able to start living my life and didn't hesitate in getting on with it.  There was more surgery in late 1999 with complications afterwards - adhesions and blood clots in my lungs.  My wee body's been through an awful lot, as a result I massively value my health and independence though when I was in my teens and twenties establishing it on my terms was a challenge: because I'd been so cosseted being weak and namby pampied was the last thing I wanted as I grew up.

Throughout my life I've been creative: drawing, writing stories once I could write, making a load of different things like doll's furniture from cardboard boxes, tapestry, designing clothes and costumes, and designing and making silver jewellery, theatre set design, visual merchandising, running live events, fashion styling and costume design.  My creative ability has always been great company by stopping me from being bored and I've been able to use my imagination a helluva lot.  I was always full of energy - running about, cycling, dancing, playing football.  I've always felt I'm in a race against time and hate being on the bottom rung of the ladder for more than five minutes, I've been so used to playing catch up and jumping stages of education I can manage to fill in the blanks fairly easily.

That was the good side, the bad side was being in and out is school so much and not having the self confidence which comes with being in an established friendship group.  I was called ugly when I was in primary seven and it was only when I was in my late thirties after constant self scrutiny and evaluation that I realised I was fine, pretty even!  I remember when i was 17 a magazine on my bedroom floor which had 'The Prettiest Girl In The World " written on the front cover, and my adorable boyfriend saw it and said "that's you.". I just thought yeah, if you say so...  and didn't take it that it was a compliment I was justified to receive.  Back in primary7 I was a Madonna fan and the song Over And Over inspired me to do better things with my life and show these other kids trying to bring me down that I'd be far and away better than them.

All my experiences have enabled me to think for myself well and truly outside the box.  I've got a great understanding of my mind and body.  I hugely dislike injustice and wish there were far better opportunities for everyone.  I always disliked authority and I guess after visualising a better life I'm disappointed with how frustrating and controlled and mundane living is a lot of the time.

I've got an ability to compartmentalise some feelings to such an extent I'm not aware of them, such as if I'm depressed I will not feel unhappy unless I'm very very sorry for myself - I need to keep functioning, and depression will manifest in loss of appetite or sleeping a lot.  I've developed great distraction techniques somehow.  I have a high level of self awareness and such a free flowing imagination, and I think I've got great communication between my concsious and subconscious minds.  Maybe so much time spent using my imagination as a child to keep myself entertained developed more effective and clear communication in my mind, and possibly all the meds I've been given in hospital such as anaesthetics and opiate painkillers have opened my mind and developed new neuro transmitters as well.

I've been making a silk purse out of a sow's ear my whole life.  Most important thing is I've never given in and always strived to keep going.and I hope to inspire others through this blog.